Saturday, March 1, 2008

Wah wah WAHM

I work from home. I know this makes me incredibly lucky, having a steady source of income and still being in the home to watch the MR, but lucky does not necessarily translate to easy. I feel bad for ever complaining about the situation, I know that there are plenty of mamas out there who would like to kick me in a soft spot for not glorifying my good fortune all.the.time. But if I am going to be honest here, then that is how I honestly feel. I am so grateful that I have been able to be the care provider for MR all these ten and a half months. I know that this will definitely not be the case with future kiddos, and so I do relish that this time is special unlike any other time to come. It's a lot of work though.

As I said earlier, we have been in and out of this city for the last seven years. We came here for school, and then spent the next few years back and forth between our hometown and this place. We have now been back here for the last year and change, and when we made the move I was able to bring my job with me. Every once and a while I will need to commute back for a few days in the office, but for 99.5% of the time I am here. When MR was born I didn't really think that I would be going back to work. I felt bad, as if my returning to work while taking care of my newborn would be unfair to the company. They wanted me back, and I wanted the money, so indeed I did return after three months leave. It wasn't too challenging at first, but that was also back when MR slept much of the day away. Most of the projects I work on allow for me to set my own schedule, so I found myself doing most of my work at night, after the kiddo was asleep and I had some solid hours to devote to my projects. I continue to do this, but as MR is older now I often wonder if it wouldn't be better for him to be in daycare. I do my best to balance my time for work and my baby, but there are always those horrible days where I am slammed with work and I feel like I am not as present as I should be for MR. I think were we not in such a state of limbo currently I would have put more thought into this, maybe even done it. MR would get some quality time with other little ones and not a distracted mommy bouncing back and forth between her keyboard and his playtime.

So it seems I am now just waiting. We will be moving eventually/hopefully/soon, and that in itself will mean a change in my work setup. I will gradually reintroduce myself back into the office, and with luck MR will be able to spend some of his days with grandma and just a few days in daycare. I am happy with this thought, as I want him to be able to thrive in an environment with other babies. My lack of mommy friends hasn't hindered only me, it means MR has had limited baby-on-baby interaction as well. Who knows, I am sure I will still have plenty of fears and complaints when we do get to that point, the grass is always greener.

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