Showering the baby - 34 Weeks

Today marks the beginning of week 34. Seriously, six more weeks to go. A little over a month for me to get ready for this, number two. Physically I am reaching that point, at some times during the day more than others, where I am ready. Mentally - meh. Looking at my to-do-before-baby-arrives list, also a little meh. We will be needing to make the most of the next five weekends for sure.

Little Mason man had his first baby shower this week, courtesy of my place of work. I have been so fortunate to be on the receiving end of now three showers from this employer (wedding, and for Skyler), I am starting to feel a little guilty for it. Not guilty enough to say no to all of this of course:

Sorry for the poor picture quality, my phone can only do so much. Don't get too excited for me though, I shared a shower with another gal who is due just a few days before me, so only half that loot is mine. Seems that it's not just the blogosphere going through a baby boom, there's something in the water here at work.

Remember, I shared the shower. Only one of the above referenced 'babies' is mine. We took home quite a haul, including this stroller and lots of other things to help us fill in the gaps in Mason's nursery. Very exciting, and needed.

I've lost my AH

Since I am officially back to working in an office (and not my recliner) I suppose that means I am no longer a WAHM, work at home mom. Now I guess I am just a WM, which really just looks sad. Pretty much sums up how I feel about it too. The first two days back to work weren't bad in themselves, I got to have a nice welcome-back lunch and it was nice seeing all the faces that I have been communicating with solely via e-mail all these months. But still, it sucked. A lot. I have been so spoiled getting to make my money and have my baby too, not getting both has left me feeling pretty glum. I had a full-out bawl fest on the hubby last night and I have just generally been feeling out of sorts about it. I range from feeling like an idiot for crying over something so trivial (things could always be worse) to just wanting to crumple up and feel sorry for my sad, sad self. It's like being post-partum all over again.

It doesn't help that things are pretty rough for us in general. The settling in process has not been easy, mostly because we are so definitely not settled. We highly underestimated just how uncomfortable living in someone else's house would be. It is not that my parents aren't accommodating, in fact they have been doing their very best to make room for us and assure we are comfortable. Nevertheless, we are still in a very foreign space for MR where there are no real baby safe spaces and just not a whole lot of space in general. My parents have been living a long time without babies and have filled their house up with all of the comforts that middle-aged yuppiness can provide. This unfortunately just doesn't translate very well for our needs. MR needs room to roam safely, we need a place to recede from my parents company at the end of the day, we all just need more room. And poor BL is feeling terribly awkward being the one staying home with MR in his inlaw's house. My dad works from home and my lazy 23 year old brother still lives at home (oh yes, that's right), so BL is constantly trying to shuttle himself in and out of the small available spaces and make due with the company of two males completely ignorant of the napping needs of a one year old. There is no more eloquent way to sum it up other than it sucks. We've made it to the weekend though. I am thrilled to get to spend some solid time with my little man and hopefully we can rally as a family and get ourselves back on track.

Oh, and a side note- I probably won't be posting quite as frequently as in the past. Seeing as I will be sitting in front of a computer all through the workday yet unable to spend that time (guiltily) blogging I won't have as much opportunity to get on here. So in anticipation of this, sorry if it goes a few days in between posts and/or if I don't comment as often as I used to. Things they are a changin'.

The other side

Well, we made it. We are still terribly tired and I am still struggling to string two words together and one foot in front of the other. But, we are here. Spokanites no more, Vancouver/Portlanders from now on. It's nice to know that there is no going back, that we have no more ties to the old city. All of our belongings are either in our POD (in storage) or underneath BL's parents house. Or in the room in which we are currently residing, my old room in my parents house. This is not ideal of course, and we hope it will only be for a few months time. It will need to be, for all our sakes.

Tomorrow I go back to work. Of course I have been "back" to work since MR was four months old, but tomorrow I will be going back in to the office, returning to a forty hour work week instead of my thirty, and not seeing my baby all day. It's pretty hard to take right now, I know there will be some nice aspects. Lunch will actually happen everyday. I will have conversations with real live adults. I will wear something other than my yoga pants to work. Right now though all I can think about is how I won't be spending all day playing with my boy, watching him grow, and my quality time will have to be squeezed into two hour packages at the tail-end of each work day. I'm sad. Can you blame me? Look at what I will be missing. This:

And this

Things are better on the family front, better than they were at least. Thanks so much for all of your well wishes, it's nice to come back to the internets and see your kind words. BL's father was only in the hospital for 48 hours and the surgery went well. Unfortunately he already had to resume chemo today, so cross your fingers that we don't have another relapse. Things with BL's grandfather are a little awkward right now, everyone seems to be avoiding the subject. Considering how much else we have on our plate, we have just been playing along with this. *sigh* We are here though, and we are together, so that is something to be thankful for in itself.

Wah wah WAHM

I work from home. I know this makes me incredibly lucky, having a steady source of income and still being in the home to watch the MR, but lucky does not necessarily translate to easy. I feel bad for ever complaining about the situation, I know that there are plenty of mamas out there who would like to kick me in a soft spot for not glorifying my good fortune all.the.time. But if I am going to be honest here, then that is how I honestly feel. I am so grateful that I have been able to be the care provider for MR all these ten and a half months. I know that this will definitely not be the case with future kiddos, and so I do relish that this time is special unlike any other time to come. It's a lot of work though.

As I said earlier, we have been in and out of this city for the last seven years. We came here for school, and then spent the next few years back and forth between our hometown and this place. We have now been back here for the last year and change, and when we made the move I was able to bring my job with me. Every once and a while I will need to commute back for a few days in the office, but for 99.5% of the time I am here. When MR was born I didn't really think that I would be going back to work. I felt bad, as if my returning to work while taking care of my newborn would be unfair to the company. They wanted me back, and I wanted the money, so indeed I did return after three months leave. It wasn't too challenging at first, but that was also back when MR slept much of the day away. Most of the projects I work on allow for me to set my own schedule, so I found myself doing most of my work at night, after the kiddo was asleep and I had some solid hours to devote to my projects. I continue to do this, but as MR is older now I often wonder if it wouldn't be better for him to be in daycare. I do my best to balance my time for work and my baby, but there are always those horrible days where I am slammed with work and I feel like I am not as present as I should be for MR. I think were we not in such a state of limbo currently I would have put more thought into this, maybe even done it. MR would get some quality time with other little ones and not a distracted mommy bouncing back and forth between her keyboard and his playtime.

So it seems I am now just waiting. We will be moving eventually/hopefully/soon, and that in itself will mean a change in my work setup. I will gradually reintroduce myself back into the office, and with luck MR will be able to spend some of his days with grandma and just a few days in daycare. I am happy with this thought, as I want him to be able to thrive in an environment with other babies. My lack of mommy friends hasn't hindered only me, it means MR has had limited baby-on-baby interaction as well. Who knows, I am sure I will still have plenty of fears and complaints when we do get to that point, the grass is always greener.